Slipping out of the Mom Jeans and Looking for a Mom Skirt

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I am not a skirt/dress person.  My view of the fashion kingdom has always been to keep a supply of easy to put on, no muss, no fuss articles of clothing that I could grab, slide on, and run out in.

Enter the husband.  Thanks to my summer tummy tuck, he seems to think I’m looking pretty good, and women who look pretty good have a whole different level of fashion expectations.  He’s like to see me in some casual skirts or dresses to wear this winter while he thinks I have nothing better to do than sit and have him admire the new figure.  Thats his view on the world.  Now for the reality.

I need skirts and dresses that are casual, comfortable, not frumpy, and give me a more polished look.  I don’t want anything sleeveless, because I freeze.  I’m not a huge fan of stockings, because, again, I freeze, so ideally, I’d like to do tights.  And just what kind of shoes am I supposed to wear?  I don’t like boots with short skirts, and you can’t really do heels well with tights.  What time is my appointment to be on What Not To Wear?

In doing extensive skirt/dress research, I did find a few things.

Don’t wear baggy – No kidding?  Did I lose 150 pounds and go through all this surgery to wear baggy?  I think not.

Pleats Please? – Ummm, no, you big fat arse.  I may have lost all that weight, but I still carry about 30 pounds too much, and pleats and gathers on a skirt just add poundage.  Unless you’ve been on the Lara Flynn Boyle diet lately, skip them entirely.  So now I know what I looked like all summer long – enormous, wearing pencil skirts day after day.

Remember the big fat arse comment? – Yeah, I’m talking to me.  No light colors on the bottom – especially if you are wearing dark on top.  Dark on the bottom in slimming; light on the bottom gives you bubble butt.  Nobody looks good in bubble butt.

The length of your skirt should not be determined by how desperately you want to look like Tina Turner.  Face it, sister, you don’t look like Tina Turner.  The woman is smokin’ in her almost 70 year old skin, and she can rock the mini skirt.  The worse your legs look, the longer your skirt should be.  That means I should only wear skirts with a cathedral train.  At least that’s how I interpret this rule.

So which skirts will look okay on me?

A-Line seems to be the skirt for everyone – even my big old butt.  They are fitted at the top, but then they get a bit wider as they go down, to accommodate those areas of my body that have not had the benefit of the work of the fabulous Dr. Veitia.

Wrap skirts are another style that seems like it would flatter every figure.  Are there winter wrap skirts?  And what shoes do you wear with them?

Straight skirts, now that I don’t have that hanging tummy, seem like they might work as well, but I’ve seen longer straight skirts.  I don’t think it’s a look I can carry, and I always think bag lady when I see them.  Seriously.

I still have kind of wide hips, but I’m not sure I know the difference between a pencil skirt and a straight skirt.  Anyone want to enlighten me?

I like the look of a flared skirt, but for some reason, I just always think they’re either for MUCH younger people or dancers.

So, who wants in on the skirt discussion?  Help a sister out, will you?