Oh You Crazy Cosmo Girls!

My husband is a bit of a pervert, and if there is anything worse than a regular pervert, it’s a delusional one.  Part of his delusion – for the past 25 years – is to see the Cosmopolitan magazine at the grocery store check out, with the scantily clad cover girl gazing seductively back at him, and immediately thinking there is something in there among the articles about sex, sexy, sex starved, and sexting that will teach me something, and therefore, benefit him.

And then he buys the magazine.

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I’m convinced that only men buy this magazine.  Even in my 20s, there was nothing of any value to me in Cosmo.   My spring wardrobe consists of the same jeans I’d wear in the winter with short sleeved t-shirts instead of long sleeved sweat shirts.  And if by “Hot New Bod”, they are offering me complimentary use of the Extreme Makeover team, I’d be all over that.  But the worst of all?  The articles!  Who are they written for?

Ladies, let me save you the $5.  Or let me save your husband the $5.  Based on the cover articles, I thought I’d put my own spin on things and let you put that $5 in your pocket.  Or your $5 jar.

Cover Article #1:  15 Easy Ways to Score an Extra $2,000

I have to admit, this article goes where I never expected it to be going.  I mean, I’ve seen the girls in Cosmo Magazine, and I could come up with a few ways they might quickly score $2,000.  The article, however, recommends that instead of putting your spare change in a change jar like us shlubs, you put your spare $5 bills.  Every time your wallet fills up with those pesky Lincolns, you put them in your $5 jar.  My advice – put your annoying $100 bills in your $100 bill jar.  You’ll get to $2,000 much quicker.

Cover Article #2:  Is Oral Sex Dangerous

By the time I found the page this article was on, picked up the 42 subscription cards that had spilled out all over my floor, and blew my nose – which was running from inhaling the fumes of numerous designer perfumes, this is the tip I can offer you.  Yes – if you do it with vampires.

Cover Article #3:  What Guys Secretly Freak Out About

This could be a very useful article to someone who had never lived with a man before.  They’re very difficult to read, and any sort of manual to help you figure them out could come in quite handy.  The brave men in this article have imparted this wisdom unto you, you dear girl.  “I’m afraid someone is going to beat me up in front of my family.” (If this is really your secret fear, they probably will someday.)   “I worry my arms won’t get big, even though I work out four days a week.” (Maybe those four days would be better spent lifting something else – try a book.)  “Girls always tell me I’m ‘too big’ – I think my penis is too long.” (Oh, come on, that’s about as real as a reality show starring the Kardashians!)

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Let me clue you in on what guys REALLY secretly freak out about.  Getting married.  Having children.  Being left alone with those children while you run to pee.  Running out of wings during the Super Bowl.  Beyond that, most guys are pretty chill.

So, there you have it.  I hope my husband reads this blog post so he knows there is never again a need to pick up Cosmo magazine.  I’ll never fit into the clothes – or look good in them if I could.  I’m not going to make any secret confessions about having sex under the dining room table while my parents are entertaining the whole convent full of nuns (nor am I likely to get any ideas from these true confessions).

If something on the cover peaks your interest.  Come see me.  I’ll tell you what the article says, without even looking inside the magazine, and you can put that $5 in your $5 jar.  You’ll be at $2,000 in no time.

An Open Letter to Husbands – You Won’t Read This in Cosmo

God knows, I love my husband.  He can be thoughtful and considerate, and rarely goes into a store without bringing something out for me.  He’ll go into WaWa or 7-11 for example, and come out with a bag of cheese curls or a chocolate bar.  Then he’ll run into Walgreens and bring out a fitness magazine.

Yeah, I know.  How he hasn’t been murderized yet is a pure miracle.

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I am taking it upon myself to write this letter to all husbands, though, my own included, to avoid the brutal execution of ignorant men across the planet – the ones who order you a mushroom and extra garlic pizza when you asked for plain cheese, then whine that you’re ungrateful because they brought you a “surprise” instead of what you wanted.

Dear Husbands:

You’re lovely, really, and quite thoughtful, in your own way.  However, there are some things you just haven’t quite grasped about living with the adult female, and in your own best interests, possibly preventing excruciating bodily harm, you really need to know these things.

1 – Do not congratulate us on how great we are doing on our diet by bringing home Krispy Kreme Donuts.  Or Dunkin’ Donuts.  Or Tim Horton’s Donuts.  To simplify, if you are celebrating weight loss with anything that contains the word donut (or the more proper doughnut), you are doing the wrong thing.

2 – Please do not come to bed after browsing an internet “documentary” on a site that requires you to verify that you are 18 or older and expect that the average female specimen has the ability to to contort her body into such a way that she can give you a back rub, trim your nose hairs, cut your toenails, compliment your manliness, and suck her own toes.  The women in your “documentaries” are aliens.  No real women do those things.  Not even for diamonds.  Or Jaguars.

3 – “Helping” around the house when company is on the way does  not mean go clean out the glove box in the car.  It means scrub away the spot on the kitchen floor from the root beer you spilled not five minutes after your wife last mopped the floor, then vowed not to clean up your mess, resulting in a battle of wills your wife has been winning, until this minute when she now has to scrub that spot clean for company unless you finally do it.

4 – You are not “babysitting” when your wife has to run out to the store and you are left with your children.  You are “parenting” – babysitting implies I have to pay you, feed you junk food, and book you in advance for all major holidays.

5 – You are not “parenting” if the time you spend with your children involves you propping a bottle up on the edge of your desk to feed the baby so it doesn’t interfere with the gaming controls on your video game.

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6 – Lastly, if you see it in Cosmo, read it in Hustler, or gaze at it on Fit Magazine, it’s not real.  Those women and the deeds they claim they do are made up.  Like unicorns.

I hope I’ve saved a few lives today.